*Narrator voice: “yep, that’s me. Sitting in a Turkish barber’s chair with my ears and nostrils filled with hot wax. You may wonder how I got here.”
That might be the intro to some low-budget teen movie from the 90’s. But it will serve well enough to get us started.
I did not start the day with my ears and nostrils filled with wax. It was a little stranger than that.
At least, it seemed very strange to me that I, a provincial midwestern pastor, would wake up in a Turkish five-star hotel, then mosey around the main palace of the Ottoman Empire, waltz around an ancient underground cistern holding 25 million gallons of water, and finally explore the greatest church building of the first millennium of the church’s existence.
I just don’t do this very often in Indiana.
Istanbul served as the capital city of the Byzantian Empire, then the eastern branch of the Roman Empire, and finally of the Ottoman Empire. So yeah, it tops Franklin in the history department. A bit.
The Ottoman rulers built a huge temple complex, called the Topkapi Palace. It would take a long time to describe, so I will just put up some pictures.
Next our guide took us to the Underground Cistern. There are actually several hundred underground cisterns in the city, but this is by far the largest and most unusual. It was built by the great emperor Justinian in the 6th century, and carefully hidden from outside viewing so that enemies could not pollute the water. In fact, after the fall of the empire its presence was forgotten for hundreds of years, and it was not until the 1980’s that it was restored and (mostly) drained.
The cistern is 450 feet by 213 feet and capable of holding 25 million gallons of water. The ceiling is supported by 336 marble columns, taken from various ruins around the empire, each 30 feet high.
Here is a video I took:
After lunch we visited the Hagia Sophia. I have heard about the Hagia Sophia since college, and have always longed to see it. It is one of the greatest buildings in all of western history. But visiting it actually left me with decidedly mixed feelings. I will try to explain why sometime later. The building deserves its own post anyway. For now I will just leave a couple pictures of the outside.
After our guide took us back to the hotel, I decided to get a haircut and shave. Getting a haircut in a foreign country is a great way to experience a little non-touristy culture. And besides, I heard that Turkish shaves are an entirely over the top experience.
And boy-howdy are they ever! My barber first used a brush to lather up my face, then started applying a very sharp straight edge razor.
I had never had someone else shave me before, especially with a straight edge. I tried not to move a muscle. And of course, it was just then that Amy decided to ask me a couple questions about the history of barbers and if they ever also acted as dentists in the way olden days and other such stuff that I HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT, HONEY, AND A STRANGER IS SHAVING MY THROAT WITH A KNIFE RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T REALLY TALK, OK????
After this the barber asked, “Wax?”. He didn’t really speak English, so I thought he meant something like a lotion or crème, so I nodded.
He did NOT mean lotion or crème, in fact. For the next thing I know he is filling my right ear with hot green wax.
My thought process went something like this:
…“Oh, that’s new. I have hot wax in my ear.
…Okay, he’s doing the other one now. Seems balanced.
….Hmm, he’s applying it to my upper cheeks? Seems odd.
…Wait, why is he approaching my nostril?
…AHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
And, of course, Amy is LOVING THIS. She is literally doubled over with laughter. And then she asks, “you know what happens next, right?”
NO, HONEY, I HAVE NO IDEA! I SUPPOSE HE IS JUST GOING TO LEAVE IT ALL IN THERE UNTIL IT SOMEHOW DROPS OFF ON ITS OWN IN A WEEK OR TWO! HOPE IT DOESN’T RUIN DINNER FOR YA!
And…this just made her laugh some more.
My wife is a sadist.
And yeah, it did sting when he yanked the hardened wax out of my various facial orifices, but, hey, my mama didn’t raise me to wince and cry every time some Turk pulls wax out of my nose, now did she?
I survived. And I was feeling pretty good about myself. Until he got out the flames to deal with any hair left on the outside of my ears.
Yes, boys and girls, you read that right. Barbers don’t mess around in Turkey. He pulled out a lighter and singed off all the little ear airs left over after the green wax. They don’t do that at Great Clips.
He followed that up by pulling out the world’s tiniest clippers and trimming off any nasal hairs that somehow did not get yanked out with the wax. I kinda felt like they should stay, you know, after surviving all that. Reward those tough little fellas. But it was over before I could figure out how to translate that sentiment into some sort of sign language.
The haircut was less dramatic. Until the end, when he put my head under a torrent of water and lathered it up, then vigorously massaged it. And when I say, vigorously, I worry you may not get the full picture. He worked on my scalp like a body-builder trying to crush a bowling ball.
And of course this made my lovely wife laugh at me again.
At last it was over. I felt like I had less facial hair than anytime since I hit puberty. My nostrils and ears with still tingling.
How much did they charge for this torture, I mean, shave and haircut? About 30 bucks.
Marriage counseling will cost more…