And Now for Some Good News

No, really

As I mentioned in my last post, the million dollar question facing Amy and I was whether the cancer was localized in the prostate or whether it had spread. This would make a huge difference, not only in treatment but in life-expectancy. Men with localized prostate cancer have a five year survival rate of 99 percent. Men with metastatic prostate cancer have a five year survival rate of around 30 percent. To put it another way: If the cancer had spread, I would likely have 2-4 more years to live.

To be honest, I was expecting the worst. If you had asked me to place money on whether it had spread or not I would have laid down a Benjamin on bad news.

Why did I think that? Well, partly because the biopsy report was ominous. It showed cancer all through the prostate, and some of those tumors were large. It also showed a tumor around one of the nerves, which I am told is often a sign that the cancer is more aggressive.

I had my two sisters (RN’s who focus on medical imaging and reports for insurance) to look at the biopsy report, and could tell they didn’t like what they saw.

I think the other reason I expected the worst was that it seemed like the worst was what I was usually getting when it came to my health news lately.

I had a rough spot on my back. Biopsy done. Is it cancer? Yes.

I then have a biopsy on my lymph nodes: Do they have cancer? Yes (though only a very small degree).

I have elevated PSAs. Cat scan done on prostate. Is it cancer? Unclear. So biopsy done. Is it Cancer? Yes, and a lot of it.

This is also the biopsy that caused me to lose two liters of blood, something the urologist said he had not seen in ten years of doing that.

You can see, then, why I was not expecting happy news from the PET scan. If you told me I had to be checked for uterine cancer I think I would have expected the worst.

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I won’t say I was planning a funeral. But I was calculating out how much time I had left on my term life-insurance policy, and figuring out how I would want to spend the last couple years of life.

I had a weird peace about the whole thing, however. It wasn’t a fake, plaster-on-a-smile-because-you’re-a-good-Christian kind of thing. It was real. I don’t claim this as any kind of achievement. It was a gift. I was at peace with whatever news I would get.

At least until the night before we would go in to hear the news. I got emotional that night; a little weepy. That carried into the next morning. But some people must have been praying for me, for by afternoon I again had a strange peace, even as I expected to hear bad news.

But…I got good news.

I got the good news that the cancer has not spread.

Let me be transparent here. Until then I did not realize how good the good news would seem to me. As I hinted at in my last post, there was a part of me that wanted to go home. And it was not a small part of me. There were even a few times it felt larger than the part of me that wanted to live for another 20 years or so.

But the profound relief and joy I felt after getting the good news was unalloyed. It surprised me how much I still wanted to live a long time, to enjoy this life in this world.

In fact, even though I will have to go through some nasty treatments (more on that another time) I am feeling incredibly blessed simply to be alive and to be in connection with my Maker. I am living more fully in the truth that life really is a gift. Not just in the sense that it should be enjoyed; It is a gift in the sense that someone else has given you something you did not earn or deserve. I am appreciating little things like food and weather and the look of the sky. And most of all, I am appreciating people more. Each one is a gift; they don’t have to meet my expectations or be special in some way; they are already special and valuable, for God has made each, and none lack the presence of God’s image within them. I can’t explain why I feel these things more than before. But I do.

When I first got the news of the cancer I asked God to use it for good. For my spiritual growth, but also for the good of others. And in His graciousness He has answered that prayer. And also the prayers of so many others for my physical health.

Thank you to those who prayed. And thank you to the One who answered.