Malignant

SMI Warning

Well, this post likely won’t have as much humor as the last one, so feel free to check out. I won’t know. But somehow I have a good number of people who care about me, and this will be a way to share some news.

I have cancer. Again.

And this time it seems more serious.

Some of you may know that last year I had a large cancerous tumor taken off my back (thus hobbling my underwear modeling career). The surgeon also removed 9 lymph nodes. I’m still mad she never returned them. One of the lymph nodes showed a few cancer cells. They were small and scattered, so we decided against radiation or chemotherapy; instead we just check on the rest of the stupid lymph nodes every few months.

But last week I got news of a more serious kind. The pathology report from the biopsy came back, and was dominated with one word in all red: MALIGNANT.

Actually, it was really malignant. Really, really malignant. They took samples from 15 “cores” (as if they were analyzing soil around Chernobyl). 12 of them came back positive for cancer. Three of those showed an aggressive kind of cancer (Gleason score 8 for those in the know or those who, like me, need to google it).

So yeah. I guess malignant is the right term.

I thought about that word. I started wondering about its etymology. If you google “malignant etymology” you get this interesting tidbit:

mid 16th century (also in the sense ‘likely to rebel against God or authority’): from late Latin malignant- ‘contriving maliciously’, from the verb malignare.

Okay, this will preach.

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Last post I gave you a TMI warning (which you busybodies completely ignored, didn’t you?) Now I’m going to give you a SMI warning: Spiritualizing Mundane Items.

Yes, it’s an occupational hazard for us preachers. We try to baptize any non-spiritual thing we experience.

Like the word “malignancy”.

See, here’s the deal. We all have a bit of malignancy within us. Even if we never get a nasty pathology report with red letters.

One of the metaphors scriptures uses for our sin problem is that of sickness, with the related idea of death. They didn’t have the concept of cancer when the Bible was written, but if they did I think St. Paul would have had a heyday with it.

A silent, invisible malignancy inside you; one that will destroy the other things, the good things, within you. And one that you cannot cure on your own.

That’s not a bad description of spiritual brokenness.

It took me a long time to learn that sin is not the breaking of a rule, but an outward expression of an inner wrongness. Salvation is not about trying to become a good person, but allowing the Great Physician to do His harsh work of healing, His “severe mercy”.

And, if we are eternal beings, we need that kind of healing even more than I need healing from prostate cancer.

I need to lay down my rebellion against God, the foolish idea that I know better than He does how to run my life. He is not the tyrant I must overthrow, but the doctor I must heed.

Perhaps you need that as well?

Okay, enough spiritualizing. For now.

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What is next for Amy and I?

On December 30 I will have a PET scan that specifically looks for PSA’s (Prostate Specific Antigens). This will tell us if the cancer has spread beyond the prostate. If it has not, then I will have to go through some nasty treatments (likely including surgery to remove the prostate); but it will probably not shorten my life much.

If it has spread….well, that’s another story. It is still treatable, but with more intense options and more uncertain outcomes.

I will not have the results interpreted until I meet with the Urologist on January 8; At that time we will discuss what comes next.

In the meantime, we wait.

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Amy and I have told the news to a few people, and we get asked some variation of “how are you handling the news?”

And the short answer is: SO FAR, we have been very much at peace. If you want the longer answer, and the more-long term answer, well you will have to read this blog. I am planning on sharing my journey here. I will also share some other thoughts/writings for those interested. You can get emails of posts by subscribing below.

But SO FAR I have actually grown closer to God since I got the news. Not out of fear; rather, I am just reminded in a very visceral way of what is important . . . and what is not.

I can’t promise I will always feel like this; I’m not that spiritual. But that is where Amy and I are right now.

If you are a praying person, please pray for two things. First, that the cancer has not spread. Second, that whether it has or not God will bring good out of this. That somehow in His mysterious way He would use the cancer in my body to bring more healing to my soul, and, hopefully, the souls of those I interact with.

If that happens . . . it will be worth it.