A Note from King Charles on the Fourth of July
Welcome from the new King of England.
I am happy to inform you that this will be your last fourth of July Celebration. Enjoy it, because after this the party is over.
You see, of course, the problem. You’ve been going downhill since the unfortunate events of 1776. Your failure to produce competent candidates for President these last two election cycles only confirms the obvious truth: you are no longer capable of governing yourself.
For this reason I am taking it upon myself, on behalf of all decent English-speaking people everywhere, to revoke our grant of independence given to you, unwisely and under duress, in the years following the great rebellion.
I will henceforth resume monarchal duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories. Except for Oklahoma, which I do not fancy, and Florida, which will consummate its present trajectory and become half penal colony and half retirement home.
I will appoint a governor for the newly christened “48 colonies”, if I can find a good Brit willing to move there. You deserve Simon Cowell, but in my kindness I will ask Dame Judy Dench.
Congress will also be disbanded, though I doubt many of you will notice.
Here are a few ways the civilizing effects of proper English civilization will soon be realized in these colonies.
First, of course, you will need to speak English. Real English, where words like “colour” “labour” and “centre” are spelled correctly. The Oxford English Dictionary will be read on the news each night, replacing the inane “sportscasters”.
Speaking of sport, you will play football. And by this I mean, obviously, the game that you for some perverse reason presently call “soccer”. Rugby will also be permitted. Cricket will replace baseball, so that we will have no such thing as a “world series” consisting of only teams from North America. I mean, really…
You will drive on the left side of the road like all civilized people.
The four heads on Mount Rushmore will be re—sculpted to display the likenesses of Queen Victoria, Lord Nelson, Winston Churchill, and myself.
American cheese will cease to exist. No…on second thought…it will continue to be sold as a perpetual reminder of the cultural poverty of “the rebellion years”.
Gastronomical abominations like Taco Bell, White Castle and Denny’s will all be replaced by pubs selling fish and chips.
The weather in the 48 colonies will also be Briticized. Cambridge scientists are working even now on a way to obscure the obnoxious sunniness of the southwest, and give all states the chilly, overcast skies of London. This will make you appreciate the mandatory afternoon teas.
A revenue agent from my government will be appointed to collect all monies due, backdated to 1776. Expect your first bill next week.
God save the king!